| (no subject) |
[Dec. 13th, 2008|05:06 pm] |
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This is not your home, nor will it ever be. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2007|07:07 pm] |
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I'm done. So is the journal. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 1st, 2007|09:21 pm] |
JORDAN,
YOUR RECITAL WAS FABULOUS.
LOVE. |
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| 31st |
[Mar. 31st, 2007|11:52 pm] |
Today, if you're counting in ends of months, it's been two months since my mother passed away.
It's finally springtime...something she loved...and the birds are out and about. With the new season I'm finding a whole host of things I didn't know that I missed about her. I almost cried when my dad started asking about the birds on the porch--rather, why there weren't any yet. Part of me thinks they'd be around if mom was around to appreciate them. Conversations at my parent's house were always a non-event when there were birds on the porch. "Mom, I'm pregnant" would have been interrupted by, "ooooh, look at that one! It's a purple-breasted warbler."
She actually named one of the cardinals "Mrs. Cardinal." She liked the way Mr. Cardinal took care of Mrs. Cardinal. They fed each other.
In any case, the lovely weather puts me in a lovely mood. I'm finding that I can walk around with sadness all the time, and mostly be okay. It doesn't ever really leave me, and most of the time when I'm zoning out I'm thinking about mom...but sometimes this sadness is almost a comfort.
I think sadness is something I'm learning about. So many different things to miss, different ways to remember them.
My dad gave us our inheritance from mom last night. I would give everything and anything in the world to be able to give it back to mom and say: maybe lets wait a few more decades? 51 is too young. |
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| blue! |
[Mar. 29th, 2007|05:30 pm] |
It's gorgeous outside!
And it's springtime!
And I'm listening to happy music!
And I'm almost over this stupid flu!
all of the days are fabulous days.
Saturday is the 31st...to celebrate I plan on listening to the grosse point blank soundtrack, macy gray, and possibly some eminem. I will also find some black licorice, attempt to identify any bird I see, and be incredibly sarcastic to everyone I see. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2007|10:11 pm] |
my lack of ability to focus on anything school-related is killing me. i.e. i've got a presentation to give tomorrow and I haven't started writing it yet.
but in other news....I had a ridiculously good weekend. absolutely ridiculous. ahaha, want to guess why? |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 1st, 2007|03:06 pm] |
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Barabara Ann Harrison Kennedy
(September 25th, 1955-January 31st, 2007) |
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| something funny in my anth reading: |
[Jan. 26th, 2007|03:48 pm] |
"Girls use backbiting, exclusion, rumors, name-calling, and manipulation to inflict psychological pain on targeted victims. Unlike boys, who tend to bully acquaintences or strangers, girls frequently attack within tightly knit networks of friends, making aggression harder to identify and intensifying the damage to the victims...Girls fight with body language and relationships instead of fists and knives...In this world, friendship is a weapon, and the sting of a shout pales in comparaison to a day of someone's silence. There is no gesture more devastating than the back turning away."
ohhh, anthropology.
other things:
savannah slept over last night
court looked at an apt today
all five of us are going home for dinner tomorrow. (we've split the week up. george's there sun, mon, i'm there tues, wed, and ray's there thurs, fri. saturdays are family dinners)
going to swick later to play a lot of bach. margot's playing at radio bean tonight, hal and friends are going to see volver, billings bedlam is happening, and mostly i just want to sleep and stop thinking.
so i'm going to take a nap. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 17th, 2007|11:10 pm] |
I'm in a quiet mood...
retreat to the piano and stop talking for a while kind of quiet.
Some things:
I'm not a french major anymore.
I went home for ten minutes yesterday and got really scared when I saw my mom...still trying to figure that out.
I'm living with court, and it's grand. It also makes me think of the 'family' we had that's not so much anymore.
I miss france.
I really like my younger sister.
I'm rediscovering oldold friends and I love them.
I'm learning about the loss of newish friends and it makes me sad.
I am so excited about what I'm going to learn this semester.
I was made for this, I think.
Court and Jessa are watching a terrible gay movie in the common room and I am doing work at my nice and organized desk. Things are good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 11th, 2007|03:08 pm] |
I think I have or am getting a cold.
for most people this means bedrest and cough drops.
for me this means i'm afraid my mom will catch it and be hospitalized.
thank god i'm moving into the dorms tomorrow. |
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| the things you leave behind |
[Dec. 20th, 2006|07:39 pm] |
It occured to me this morning that my mom has nothing to do every single day but sleep, watch HGTV, and think. I mean...obviously this had occured to me before, but it'd never actually occured to me to ask her what she'd been thinking about. Here, at last, the perfect way to approach any kind of conversation about the reality she's living in.
It was only about ten seconds...she thinks about what we were like when we were little, what her future is going to be like and what's going to happen, and things she'd like to be doing if she had the energy. But, I feel like it opened the way to what could potentially be a lot of good conversations whenever she has the energy.
She asked me if there was anything I wanted from her. And at the time I drew a blank...what to say? But now I'm realizing that there are things that I'd like to have left of my mom.
Video. Favorite memories of us when we were little...from her perspective. Things she doesn't want us to forget about. The story of her wedding...and of how she met dad. The things she wanted for us, the things she sees us doing.
Recipes.
A laminated list of everything dad will forget to do to keep the house from falling apart.
It's strange to think about...and maybe selfish. But...I think the video is the most important to me. So maybe now when she has the energy we can do something other than watch HGTV. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 16th, 2006|12:03 pm] |
dad bought a christmas tree (finally...because he's the only one who wanted one and he's been acting strange about it.) ...he's currently in the process of sawing of bits of it to make it fit nice and snug in the corner next to the piano.
unfortunately he's opted to open his conifer-surgery practice in the living room. meh.
My oldest (known the longest) friend turned 21 today!! happy birthday devin!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 11th, 2006|04:45 pm] |
I am so cracked out because of life at the moment that I didn't remember writing any of :
until savannah read it to me on the phone while I was in burlington somewhere.
today was a very draining day...the kind that makes your eyes and jaw ache because nothing else can get pulled out of you...so...maybe I'm in a curl-up-and-watch-amelie kind of mood...any takers? |
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| Weekend away |
[Dec. 7th, 2006|11:54 pm] |
I'm going to smith this weekend!! To see Emma!!! Molly!!! Isabel!!! and lots of hot people in drag. And oh, I'm excited. I finally get to hug the tiny (and temptestuous) emma, play some duets with molly and meet her crush, and hopefully meet bella's new...interest. AH! EXCITED!
I feel kind of strange about leaving the house....especially as mom came home from the hospital today. But, dad will be here all weekend and I would like to get away. I don't like some of the paths my thoughts have been taking lately.
Other good things: bought a great hat, wrote a new piece, seeing lots of friends, fluffy snow on the ground, getting rid of old clothes, and mom is going to start painting again...if she feels up to it.
I'm stressed about figuring out the living situation next year. I don't know why. |
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| pianolove |
[Nov. 30th, 2006|08:04 pm] |
Music makes me happy. I never really appreciate just how much until I'm playing it! or writing new stuff! AND NOW I'M GIDDY!
in other words...new piece as of a half hour ago, madly in love with it. killed my arms again--this time for a good cause. Ah, I love it when the rest of the house is silent and gone and I can just play for myself.
Who cares about all the other stuff?
I decided as of yesterday that I'm going to try to only say half of what I think or want to say. This will probably, in the long run, be very good for me. And nearly impossible. So--back to the semi-silent emma from a couple of years ago. for a while. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 27th, 2006|02:09 pm] |
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cheddar cheese is every bit as good as I remember it being. Possibly better. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 24th, 2006|05:01 pm] |
heyso...I'm in Iceland.
and that's pretty cool. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2006|09:56 pm] |
coming home friday night. sav's picking me up at the airport...dads picking me up the next day. moms sick and i want to be there. (i would write more but both arms are killing me.)
love to you all and see you next week. |
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| some things: |
[Nov. 20th, 2006|10:06 am] |
One of my favorite things to do is wander aimlessly around finding hidden places...so a few days ago felicitas and I jumped on some random buses, got off at random stops, and got to know a little bit more of Rennes. We also went to visit the giant cemetery in the eastern part of the city.
Last night Andrea tucked me in to bed (because that's how his mom used to make him feel better) after we spent an hour talking and looking at pictures. After he gets his diploma he's thinking about spending two years in either Argentina or the states studying international relations...I'm pushing for the states. he's leaning that way...so that would be amazing.
I might be coming home on Friday. I haven't decided, I haven't talked to my parents, I haven't figured out the details of withdrawing from the semester, closing my account, getting home (although i did find a really cheap flight), etc. But I'm starting all of that now. I can move fast when I need to. I'm starting to feel like playing games with time and ifs isn't a good idea when it comes to..well, anyone...but especially not with someone so important to me.
So. maybe Friday. |
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| just breathe |
[Nov. 18th, 2006|11:34 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I don't know what I can save you from, Kings of Convenience | ] |
I finished my presentations. On to the essays--no worries, I've decided. I had a chamber coach that used to say "you're breathing now, you'll be breathing for the performance, and you'll be breathing afterwards." One thing that's constant...and what more can I ask for? One is enough to get anyone from minute to minute.
I spent two or three hours last night sitting in a friend's room with the lights out listening to chill music and watching the rain out the window. Andrea took out his guitar and started playing along--he wants to learn ari hest for me.
We broke up the relaxed mood when we were all famished, danced to crazy spanish pop in the hallway, made delicious dinners, and had a huge party celebrating someone's birthday downstairs. well, really there were parties in most of the rooms on our floor and on theirs...so...a good night. Pamela and I got dressed up in my hats, ties, and glasses. I spent a fair part of the night walking around with a plastic police helmet and aviators on.
Today is a lazy saturday...going grocery shopping, doing stretches for my arms, hopefully starting and finishing an essay in english.
Still haven't been able to get in touch with my mom...and I'd really like to. But, kate sent the stuff we recorded to rachel, so at least that way I can kind of be there. |
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rainy_thursdays's journal